sad.gif Hey guys and gals, I need some advice on what to say to my wife to re-assure her about riding. . I've been planning for months, a 3-4 day trip to B.C. to include my wife in some of the more enjoyable parts of past trips I've taken. She has not ridden with me in about 2 years (since the birth of our son.) At the beginning she was onboard with the idea of doing this trip with me, but now that the trip is 2-3 weeks away, she is very worried about what can happen to us on a bike in the twisties. She insists that it has nothing to do with my riding (which is probably more relaxed than most sport-tourers out there), but she has a fear that something bad will happen to us if we go on this ride together on such busy summer-traffic infested roads. She says she's worried about the potential car passing uphill on a double-solid and surprising us coming around a corner. Strangely, she doesn't want to cancel out the trip altogether, but wants to do a 2-hour ride to a destination, hang out for a day, then return. I want to work with her on this, but her request leaves me with nothing enjoyable as far as a bike trip goes. It is 2 hours just to get to the good roads from my place. I also knew she hadn't done much riding for a while and I had taken great care to pick a less stressful trip route down south through the Crowsnest Pass instead of the busy, hairy section of TransCanada that goes through Golden. I was planning on basically following the speed limit and sticking to routes that followed valleys and waterways. I can still get great enjoyment from twisties even at a slower pace. What can I say to her (what would you tell her if you were trying to set her mind at ease) about riding through twisties? She seems primarily worried about idiot drivers in general.
Wow. Explain that the reason you ride IS NOT just to get from point A to point B, and that it is the riding itself that you are interested in. Probably more people getting killed on the freeway than the twisties. The danger is a by product that you cannot control, no matter what type of vehicle you choose to ride in, or on. Just ask Christopher Reeves' widow. Or John Denvers' widow. Or Sonny Bono's widow. Or JFK juniors....you get the point. By a large life insurance policy, then insist on doing what you like to do. As a dad and father, you should have this right. I mean, I buddy of mine rides BULLS for a living. He has two kids. I know several proffesional boxers. Steel workers. Cops. Commercial fishermen. They could die any day for any number of reasons.
Aww heck, I don't know. It is this type of stuff that keeps me unmarried!!! Good luck! fing02.gif
That's tough! You/we take a chance every time we get out of bed and more so when we get in our cages IMO! You can be hit by a crazy driver and be killed in a cage or on a bike, I ride because I enjoy it so much and wear all the protective gear I can to reduce injuries if something did go wrong. I'm single so I have a much different perspective, but you also have to keep the wife happy! Try to find out what the root cause of her fear is and try to dispell it if possible. Ask her if she would mind if you went alone! Reconize her fears, but express you desires too! Good luck! beer.gif
I would not force the issue. If she is uncomfortable with the idea of more than 2 hours out and back, just do it. I would then let her know that you are going to do a 3 day trip with another rider. Try to find solutions rather than focusing on changing her mind. There are many more important events in life so save the mind changing for a real biggie.
I went through this with my wife after having our two daughters. She used to ride pillion quite often when we were dating but a lot of time passed and she wasn't nearly as comfortable on the bike. Reassure her that things WILL be ok. People do stupid things on the road everyday but your extra attention to safe riding should help avert any incidents on your trip. One other reason to slow things down a bit is that having a passenger does change the handling characteristics of the bike. It would benefit BOTH of you to take a few short cruises close to home. She will become more at ease with the motions of the bike and become more trusting of you as a pilot. You will also become more at ease with the extra weight (not saying anything about your wife here) during starts, stops, and cornering. I took my wife on a VFRd run earlier this summer and she hadn't been on the bike for any lengthy trips for a year or more. I was doing my best to make shifts as smooth as possible taking off, braking as evenly as possible, and ASKING HER frequently if she was ok. She always replied "yes". It wasn't until we got back home that she said she was a little uncomfortable with the speed. Maybe I should have noticed the finger prints embedded in the grab rails. I am so used to the physics of my normal pace that I hadn't worried about it at all. One of the other riders at our lunch stop made a comment about our ability to stay near the front of the pack that day on some very twisty roads. That should have been a light unto my little brain, but no. I wasn't worried and figured she wasn't either. I had to remember she wasn't on the bike daily and promised to slow the pace on our next ride. She smiled and asked when we could go again. That is what I was hoping for!!!
That's a tough one. My wife loves to ride with me, expecially in the twisties.
I don't know what to say, other than to try and find out what is the cause of her fear. If it is just the other idiots on the road, try and talk to her and reassure her that you will be a safe rider. You will keep a safety magin on the road in both speed and space in the lane (no crowding the line on left hand bends) and your going to ride with your head on a swivel and watch out for idiots on the road, ect... Then if she does decide to ride with you, don't let her down by riding like a nincompoop.
Your wife has a valid concern. You have a kid that needs at least one parent. It may be impossible to remove her concerns and the risks others take are not her concern. If she is a keeper and dosnt try to stop you from riding I would try to make her comfortable. I havent even had my wife on the VFR with only 8k miles of road riding experience I have limited the risks to myself. It is impossible to stop a "MOM" from focousing herself on her kids. There is always life after the kids are grown!
The most telling part of your message is "Since the birth of our son". I'm betting that much of her reluctance is directly related to the nurturing instinct that us guys will never suffer from.
If she is not comfortable with the idea of the trip she will not have fun and for this reason you won't either. Don't be surprised if 6 months from now she wants you to sell the bike as well.
Where is this idea coming from? Well I've been there, done that, got the T-shirt. Anyone want to buy a 2002 VFR that I promised to get rid of this fall?
CRFJOHN, Aug 8 2006, 06:48 PM Your wife has a valid concern. You have a kid that needs at least one parent. It may be impossible to remove her concerns and the risks others take are not her concern. If she is a keeper and dosnt try to stop you from riding I would try to make her comfortable. I havent even had my wife on the VFR with only 8k miles of road riding experience I have limited the risks to myself. It is impossible to stop a "MOM" from focousing herself on her kids. There is always life after the kids are grown!
Right on I think everyone here would agree that riding a motorcycle increases the chance of serious or fatal injury in the event of a wreck. No matter how good you think you are crap happens. My fiance wants to ride with me and so far I have not let her. I have been riding for most of my life and I am willing to accept the risk for myself but I am not willing to accept it for her. Besides, I am an agressive rider, I know that, and I know I would have a hard time changing. I ride solo.
Done the car/go cart/motorcycle/bicycle racing things...still here, could leave tomorrow. Had friends that are gone from everything from choking on steak to falling off back porch steps. My step daughter was killed in car accident(fell asleep/hit tree coming home from work...1/2 mile from house). I'm 53,rode motorcycles for 36 years. Had friends that always wanted to enjoy the sport: played safe, still left. As one bike product company says- everyone will die but not everyone lives. How true. My wife rode on the back for years, got her own and rides with me all the time now. The times we have on the road together are our best memories and conversations. Your wife doesn't need to let life pass her by while playing "safe". Life moves on down the road whether you ride it or runs over you...better to ride. Never know when or how you're leaving so enjoy every day like it could be the last, could be...at home or on the road. Tell her you love her and she's the only person that will make the ride totally complete...you're both in it all together for better or worse...she'll be glad she went. Now both of you get out there and ENJOOOOOY!!!!! Report back so we all know how much fun you BOTH had!!!!!
My wife does not ride. Nor will she for the most part. But she knows I need to in order to keep from going insane. So we plan a spa day kinda thing for her. Find a day spa or something else she likes and set her up with something she will enjoy as much as you like to ride. A good mud bath and pedicure can buy you loads of twisty time. Also I have trailered my bike from portland to whistler in bc left her there for the day and rode all the way to north shore and back while she shopped. That was a great trip. It is hard that we dont have the same love for riding. But We do love each other so we find ways to not take away each others passions. Good luck
Dalma, Aug 8 2006, 10:48 PM The most telling part of your message is "Since the birth of our son". I'm betting that much of her reluctance is directly related to the nurturing instinct that us guys will never suffer from.
If she is not comfortable with the idea of the trip she will not have fun and for this reason you won't either. Don't be surprised if 6 months from now she wants you to sell the bike as well.
Where is this idea coming from? Well I've been there, done that, got the T-shirt. Anyone want to buy a 2002 VFR that I promised to get rid of this fall?
I think you hit the nail on the head with your reply: even if I could persuade her to do the trip as planned, I know she will not enjoy any of it, therefore I won't either. I guess I should consider myself lucky that she is willing to ride on SHORT rides, and see where that leads. I just DON'T understand how it is OK to ride on a short trip, but a long one is dangerous. When I asked her she said it was because the longer you spend on a bike, the more chance that something will happen. True, I guess, but the same could be said about the distance you drive to work in a cage, etc. Short rides are better than nothing, I guess. I guess I will abide by her wishes, then do a second trip (hopefully) on which I will take the route that I originally wanted to go on. Anyone want to meet up for a ride (or partial ride) in the first week or two of Sept? I plan on riding in the Kootenay/Nakusp region, and haven't nailed down specific plans yet. PM me if anyone's interested. I've been looking for an excuse to meet up with some other VFRD members anyways.
I don't know if it would help but you could probably show how statistically you are much safer getting out of town on a longer ride. If you look at the Hurt report data it seem to support this.
This is a tough relationship issue but I keep thinking about Silver#788's words "It is hard that we dont have the same love for riding. But We do love each other so we find ways to not take away each others passions." I think that's really important if you don't want to end up like some couples that stay together "for the children".
1- I know a woman (my school secretary) in the exact same situation. The reason is: if the 2 of them get killed, her (their) kids become orphans. She said to me that when they went on a trip, she would ride with someone else.
2- When are you coming our way? I am off beginning next week until September. I wouldn't mind joining you on a few roads (if you don't have destination highway, go get it before you do your trip, it'll be worth your while). A friend of mine and I are going to Kelowna on the 22-23 to do DH2 and DH7 among others.
Q- She's worried about a bike trip and you work WHERE? rolleyes.gif
Man, you're strolling around nonchalantly inside a Bomb under control all freaking day. And nights too. blink.gif
If somebody lets the genie out of the bottle, KABLOOIE! Q is now alphabet soup! ohmy.gif
I think it's just Mommy nerves. Once you get her out on the road, she'll be OK.
Just make sure Junior is in good hands (IE: her Mom or Sister) and the Mommy nerves should dissipate and she'll relax and start having fun after day 1.
veefer800canuck, Aug 9 2006, 01:14 AM Q- She's worried about a bike trip and you work WHERE? rolleyes.gif
Man, you're strolling around nonchalantly inside a Bomb under control all freaking day. And nights too. blink.gif
If somebody lets the genie out of the bottle, KABLOOIE! Q is now alphabet soup! ohmy.gif I think it's just Mommy nerves. Once you get her out on the road, she'll be OK. Just make sure Junior is in good hands (IE: her Mom or Sister) and the Mommy nerves should dissipate and she'll relax and start having fun after day 1.
Yup, it puzzles me too that motorcycling is the "dangerous" activity, yet I come home with stories all the time about the adventures of working in a 30% H2S sour gas processing facility; a ticking bomb where a pinhole leak of sour liquids could easily kill a passing worker. And yes, i've seen a few fires and piping failures happen, too. I showed her this post, which she read, and she felt a bit better. I think she's somewhat worried about the possibility of leaving our son an orphan, but that could happen to us in the car, too. The rugrat will be left with my wife's folks, so he will be in good hands. I think we've finally reached a good compromise; we'll run a little longer of a trip first day, which gets me into riding territory. From there, I will do day-trip runs on a couple of favorite roads, and she will tour around the towns and do a bit of shopping and relaxing. Thanks for your input, Silver788: she liked that idea of doing our own thing somewhat. Thanks to all who gave advice on this: I was really upset about having to the prospect of a cancelled ride, but I think it will all work out fine. Very Fast Ride, we will likely be in the Nakusp area the week of Aug 21-28. I do have the DH book (not near me at the moment, so I can't rattle off numbers), but I was thinking I would like to do the favorite one down the east side of Kootenay Lake to Creston. Also would like to do the Needles-Faquier-Vernon run. Open to other ideas. PM me and let's discuss further if you are interested.
You know your wife better than we do. All I can speak from is my personal experience. My wife will NOT get on a sport bike with me, well she did ONCE biggrin.gif The only bike she ever felt comfortable on is our Goldwing. We had a blast with that for a couple of years before we had to sell it when our youngest was born. You may be able to convince her to go on the trip but, you have to ask yourself and her if she will have any fun or will she spend the entire trip a nervous wreck?
Q-Dawg, Aug 9 2006, 03:55 AM Yup, it puzzles me too that motorcycling is the "dangerous" activity, yet I come home with stories all the time about the adventures of working in a 30% H2S sour gas processing facility; a ticking bomb where a pinhole leak of sour liquids could easily kill a passing worker. And yes, i've seen a few fires and piping failures happen, too. I showed her this post, which she read, and she felt a bit better. I think she's somewhat worried about the possibility of leaving our son an orphan, but that could happen to us in the car, too. The rugrat will be left with my wife's folks, so he will be in good hands. I think we've finally reached a good compromise; we'll run a little longer of a trip first day, which gets me into riding territory. From there, I will do day-trip runs on a couple of favorite roads, and she will tour around the towns and do a bit of shopping and relaxing. Thanks for your input, Silver788: she liked that idea of doing our own thing somewhat. Thanks to all who gave advice on this: I was really upset about having to the prospect of a cancelled ride, but I think it will all work out fine. Very Fast Ride, we will likely be in the Nakusp area the week of Aug 21-28. I do have the DH book (not near me at the moment, so I can't rattle off numbers), but I was thinking I would like to do the favorite one down the east side of Kootenay Lake to Creston. Also would like to do the Needles-Faquier-Vernon run. Open to other ideas. PM me and let's discuss further if you are interested.
Cool!! Sounds like a reasonable lady! Glad it is going to work out for the both of you. I guess compromise is key. fing02.gif
Q-Dawg, Aug 8 2006, 04:06 PM sad.gif Hey guys and gals, I need some advice on what to say to my wife to re-assure her about riding. . I've been planning for months, a 3-4 day trip to B.C. to include my wife in some of the more enjoyable parts of past trips I've taken. She has not ridden with me in about 2 years (since the birth of our son.) At the beginning she was onboard with the idea of doing this trip with me, but now that the trip is 2-3 weeks away, she is very worried about what can happen to us on a bike in the twisties. She insists that it has nothing to do with my riding (which is probably more relaxed than most sport-tourers out there), but she has a fear that something bad will happen to us if we go on this ride together on such busy summer-traffic infested roads. She says she's worried about the potential car passing uphill on a double-solid and surprising us coming around a corner. Strangely, she doesn't want to cancel out the trip altogether, but wants to do a 2-hour ride to a destination, hang out for a day, then return. I want to work with her on this, but her request leaves me with nothing enjoyable as far as a bike trip goes. It is 2 hours just to get to the good roads from my place. I also knew she hadn't done much riding for a while and I had taken great care to pick a less stressful trip route down south through the Crowsnest Pass instead of the busy, hairy section of TransCanada that goes through Golden. I was planning on basically following the speed limit and sticking to routes that followed valleys and waterways. I can still get great enjoyment from twisties even at a slower pace. What can I say to her (what would you tell her if you were trying to set her mind at ease) about riding through twisties? She seems primarily worried about idiot drivers in general.
Work on it until you work it out. There a lot of suggestions in this thread. No two people are ever agree on everything.
Conceptually, this problem is no different than deciding whether to go to an Italian restaurant or a Chinese restaurant when you go out to dinner. But it may be more emotionally charged.
A model for effective conflict resolution is the key to a successful, long term relationship. This comes easier for some couples than for others.
Motor_Ref, Aug 9 2006, 12:27 PM Work on it until you work it out. There a lot of suggestions in this thread. No two people are ever agree on everything.
Conceptually, this problem is no different than deciding whether to go to an Italian restaurant or a Chinese restaurant when you go out to dinner. But it may be more emotionally charged.
A model for effective conflict resolution is the key to a successful, long term relationship. This comes easier for some couples than for others.
I work as an engineer in a big office building. This morning as I walked in, there were firetrucks and an ambulance at the front. Some guy, early 40s or so, was being worked on. Don't know what happened, but he was sitting up, so I guess he was OK.
You never know. I've read reports of young guys, in-shape guys, teenagers, doing some physical activity and dying from a heart attack.
I see the concern of both parents dying. But I wonder how many times both people (rider and passenger) actually die in the same crash. Losing control? Ride a little slower and stay focused. Too much traffic? Try going to a less congested area. People pulling out in front? Photon torpedos.... errr... I mean... you should have practiced how to avoid or slow before impact.
Pay up your life insurance. Get your living will/trust together. Make arrangements for children. Even if you don't ride, these things should be done.
I personally hate riding on the back of a bike, so when my wife does, I do take very easy with her. Make sure she knows you're careful when riding.
I know this won't help in the short term, but she might be more comfortable with her own bike. That way there's a reduced chance of both getting involved in a serious crash (provided she doesn't just blindly follow you around). My wife had/has absolutely no desire to be a passenger, but she was interested in getting her own bike. She is more comfortable being in control of her own destiny (she did wait until a year after we had our bikes to actually tell me the control freak thing was really why she wanted her own bike).
I had some reservations/concerns with her level of attentiveness and observation of her surroundings, but after some harassment from me & the MSF course she recognized the need and has stepped up her brain activity when riding (and subsequently when driving) so it has turned out to be a functional solution for us. I do usually tend to ride a bit slower when we are on the "fun (twisty) roads" together than I would alone, but I don't tend to push really hard on the street (too many unknowns) She is strong willed enough that if I start to go faster than her comfort level she will just fall back and ride her own ride. When I see her falling back, I try to ease up my pace and let her catch up (after I make it through the current set of curves of course!).
Everything involves a level of risk (including breathing the air around us), so we just need to find a way to bring the risk down to a level we find acceptable. Risk Management is how we all evaluate activities whether we realize it or not. For us that means ATGATT & rider training. I expect we will take some sort of rider training course every 3-4 years (or sooner). On the plus side, my wife has seen some info on track days recently and we may do that in the future. Her previous stance was "NO TRACK! Period! End of discussion!" So now I'm keeping my fingers crossed that she will see track days as rider improvement not a prelude to racing.
I agree with Lizard, a long-term solution could be to get her riding by herself.
I dislike riding pillion too, and it's not just a matter of trusting the rider I'm sitting behind, I would still be uncomfortable on the back of the best riders in the world.
I think as long as you ease her back into riding slowly, she will begin to enjoy it... Good luck!
Go for the short trip with the wife, and do the longer trip with the boys. fing02.gif I took a trip to Yosemite on the bike with some friends in June. What a blast! A regular laugh riot. beer.gif
The mailman, Aug 8 2006, 01:44 PM I went through this with my wife after having our two daughters. She used to ride pillion quite often when we were dating but a lot of time passed and she wasn't nearly as comfortable on the bike. Reassure her that things WILL be ok. People do stupid things on the road everyday but your extra attention to safe riding should help avert any incidents on your trip. One other reason to slow things down a bit is that having a passenger does change the handling characteristics of the bike. It would benefit BOTH of you to take a few short cruises close to home. She will become more at ease with the motions of the bike and become more trusting of you as a pilot. You will also become more at ease with the extra weight (not saying anything about your wife here) during starts, stops, and cornering. I took my wife on a VFRd run earlier this summer and she hadn't been on the bike for any lengthy trips for a year or more. I was doing my best to make shifts as smooth as possible taking off, braking as evenly as possible, and ASKING HER frequently if she was ok. She always replied "yes". It wasn't until we got back home that she said she was a little uncomfortable with the speed. Maybe I should have noticed the finger prints embedded in the grab rails. I am so used to the physics of my normal pace that I hadn't worried about it at all. One of the other riders at our lunch stop made a comment about our ability to stay near the front of the pack that day on some very twisty roads. That should have been a light unto my little brain, but no. I wasn't worried and figured she wasn't either. I had to remember she wasn't on the bike daily and promised to slow the pace on our next ride. She smiled and asked when we could go again. That is what I was hoping for!!!
I agree with Mailman. But to add to this suggestion, get an overnight baby sitter for the children. Book a hotel. Ride to the hotel and make an evening of it. Have a nice supper and shag all night. And then tell her "this could be our holiday". I might just work.
Riot Grrrl, Aug 9 2006, 11:02 PM I agree with Lizard, a long-term solution could be to get her riding by herself.
I dislike riding pillion too, and it's not just a matter of trusting the rider I'm sitting behind, I would still be uncomfortable on the back of the best riders in the world.
I think as long as you ease her back into riding slowly, she will begin to enjoy it... Good luck!
I've made the suggestion of her riding solo. She was learning to ride my old EX500 Ninja a few months before our son was born, but wasn't being bitten by the riding bug at all. She trusts my riding and says she's content to ride along with me once in a while. She thinks if she were to get a bike down the road, she would want a cruiser, due to its more upright riding position. At the bike show a couple years back, she really liked the Victory Hammer. So did I. Too rich for me, though. That new all-black Suzuki Boulevard powercruiser is pretty neat too. The Viffer is perfect for me, though!
Well, if she really insists on getting rid of your bike, maybe she should at least let you buy a VERY nice cage to replace it, like a Porsche, a BMW....or at least a Honda S2000! Happened to my Brother when he almost died on the freeway after crashing his Gixxer breaking his arm in the worst way. His wife (and kid) pretty much forbade him to return to biking, and he found it painful anyway because of the metal rod and screws in his arm, so he got her to agree to buying an Audi Turbo which he souped up the the gills. He does miss motorcycling though, but he also enjoys his cage very much. Close to a fair trade IMO.
Beck, Aug 10 2006, 05:59 AM Well, if she really insists on getting rid of your bike, maybe she should at least let you buy a VERY nice cage to replace it, like a Porsche, a BMW....or at least a Honda S2000! Happened to my Brother when he almost died on the freeway after crashing his Gixxer breaking his arm in the worst way. His wife (and kid) pretty much forbade him to return to biking, and he found it painful anyway because of the metal rod and screws in his arm, so he got her to agree to buying an Audi Turbo which he souped up the the gills. He does miss motorcycling though, but he also enjoys his cage very much. Close to a fair trade IMO.
Beck 95 VFR
Blasphemy! Sell the bike? Only if it's on my deathbed! Seriously, she claims to have no desire to impede me from doing as much riding as I wish; she is simply not crazy about the idea of herself being on a bike much. I am VERY thankful that she doesn't let her fear impact my activities.......
If she has no objection to you riding maybe its a blessing in disguise.
My missus has never had an interest in being a pillion and has never been on the back, with two children to worry about think thats fair enough. ( mind a mates wife pestered me enough to take her for the odd pillion and even though ride slow she is always thrilled by the expirience )
For me part of being on a bike is the freedom from thinking about lifes pressures like work and family and just simply concentrate on riding, the road, traffic and total feeling of joy. Thankfully my wife understands and has been willing to make some sacrifices in support...
End of thread · 30 posts recoveredWayback Machine snapshot 18 Oct 2006